The Olympics

Me hardly watch the Olympics,

but that doesn't mean me don't have an opinion about the Olympics.

Some of the sports are, sorry, just plain stupid.

 

Swimming I get.  Whoever swims fastest wins.

Now they got 'Artistic Swimming.' Like what Esther Williams was doing in those old MGM movies? 

How is this a 'sport' ????

Gymnastics I get.  Whoever spins or jumps or whatever and does it better than the other people who are jumping and spinning and such and such gets the gold medal

Now there's also 'Rhythmic Gymnastics' where they're jumping around with ribbon, hoops, clubs, and probably live monkeys.  

Sorry, this is not a sport, it's competitive circus routines.

I thought the stupidest one of all was beach volleyball.  

Volleyball is a game, sort of, which we all end up playing in high school gym class.  Beach volleyball is like "Remember how much you liked Baywatch and seeing all those hot bodies? Well, now they're on the beach playing volleyball !!"

Stupid.

But not nearly as stupid as the latest summer Olympics thingey: break-dancing.

All these people have coaches.  Where did they manage to find a break dancing coach?

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I get that all these bo stupid additions are intended to garner advertising dollars.

Hey, International Olympic Committee, you wanna make the networks that broadcast the Olympics some REAL money?

Consider adding these new 'sports.'

Complaining: The good thing about this sport is that it's a lot like curling, i.e. you don't have to be super physically fit to compete. 

Like fencing, it's two people one-on-one.

The complaining program is comprised of three events: kvetching, bitching and moaning, and whining.  Whichever side is most persuasive gets the gold.

This sport is unique because it will require translators, but what could be more must-see TV than watching a French complainer compete against Armenian complainer, or a Tajikistani complainer against an Italian complainer.  

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Dog-washing: There are a lot of calls for ending the equestrian thing in the Olympics, mainly I think because it's not like the horses have a choice in whether or not they want to spend all day every day being trained to jump over fences, do the dressage thing, and the other thing, when they might really prefer to hang around the paddock, and sniff flowers all day.

It's unlikely dog-washing will raise anybody's ire, because the average pooch needs a bath now and then. 

Another event that will get the advertisers salivating, pet food companies and soap companies especially.

The dog's role will just be cooperating while being bathed.  The dog-washer who comes away the driest, i.e. clothes and head - face and hair - gets the gold.  

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Channel-surfing: This one will probably become really popular because of the speed of play.

The objective of this sport is to be the first to land on a station broadcasting a Law & Order  rerun on a TV set where the station numbers are not visible via the zapper. (Or whatever they call that thingie you hold in your hand when you're searching for a show to watch.  I call it a zapper.)

It's likely that English speakers will have an edge here, but considering how many stations run L&O reruns, it should be fairly easier for those in non-English speaking countries to figure this out. 

Extra points will be awarded if a channel-surfer lands on Law & Order: True Crime, which lasted only one season.  

Speaking of Law & Order, have you seen the reboot of the original, with AARP-aged Sam Waterston, and a cast of people, none of whom are older than age 32, other than the fat actress whose name escapes me?  

It's soooooo inferior to the original.  The writing is just south of terrible, as is the acting.  And the casting - ay carumba - one of the principals looks like she's age 15.